It's not really that I've not had anything to say these last few weeks and months, just that most of what I spit out comes out with hissing acidic and vulgar undertones which I immediately regret. Complimented, of course by an arrogant ego, I've been wallowing unfairly in my severely over-privileged life.
I'm grabbing for little moments of redemption for my perpetual pity-partying, but while sincere, they're distracting at best, and there are moments when I'm overwhelmed by what feels like the terminal temporariness and meaninglessness of everything.
It's difficult for most people to hear it expressed, but there's a space at the very peaks of these realisations that I feel eager to have my corporealness extinguished, or, less intensely said, that I feel I could commit to trudging mindlessly till that happens.
And it all feels ungrateful and selfish when I think about what I have that most people don't. And more and more confusing when I try to process that things are not important, and I shouldn't consider them too earnestly.
I don't know; I'm waiting for thoughts to make sense enough for me to talk about them without seeming pitiful and self-deprecating to everybody that hears it. Else it's just knitted eyebrows peering down the length of a nose at a confused little boy, or concerned but confused looks of listening people who nod in the right places and leave you with the hope and assumption that everything will work out.
I feel flat and without value to inject into anything (very different from feeling worthless). And while I have some good talents, they're wilting slightly during a time when work is going-through-the-motions and the rest of my life is trying to get enough sleep, or work up the enthusiasm to do something.
I'm fine. not overly depressed, just interjecting with a little more cynicism than usual, and a little subdued. We'll see.
3 comments:
I hear you.Not only that, I experience the same twangling experience of reality, and admit to the uncomfortable admittances.
What news I can tell you, is that possibly the only cure for what ails both you and me, is the doing of things. Any things. The act of making a pot of chicken curry for lunch can give ye a sense of achievement. It's only a curry, it's only lunch, but still. It's there. It's done. So do anything. Do classes, make your folks sandwhiches, go out randomly with no destination, fone random twitter people, facebook people, buy something stupid, give away something ridiculous. Just DO. And try not to think about it.And try, do not slump into the act of 'refreshing'. and waiting.
*hugs*
If its any consolation, I know a few many people who are going through a kak-ish time right now... and no matter the situation, (there'll always be someone worse off or better off then you right)... but that doesn't mean that we feel any less kak-ish... peoples feelings cannot be diminished y'know...agh I have to go, will mail you the rest...
@sham *bighugs* I've been trying to keep busy, but more and more I'm tucking myself in bed with some Pratchett or Douglas Adams and spend the rest of the day through the motions. wens my sterkte hoor.
@azra I hope you and yours are keeping up with the frantic and freneticness of everything. It's hard to uproot from forever; I remember the first time we moved from the only house I ever knew, it was an ineffable kind of sad. the kak-ness is eroding into a weariness - 24 and tired of the world, and impatient with the always busy, eternally pointless people who don't see the fleetingness of themselves. it goes, it goes it ... gone.
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