My moulding through childhood and adolescence is vague. Not that I was moulded vaguely, just that I don't remember much, or even any of it. From the age of 9 through about 15, I just can't remember anything. I'd do an incredible injustice to retrospectively assert some kind of identity on my then-self, but I do know I was quiet, smart but socially retarded, very distracted, and very bullied.
Wow was I bullied.
Perhaps it's an adapting I've learnt from being constantly strange around other human beings, but I forget about people - sometimes fairly significant people, from earlier years - where geography and circumstance steer us apart, completely. Not forget as in don't remember when I see or hear about them, but that the sentiments and emotions enjoyed with them is boxed, shelved, and disregarded until needed (and even then, only engaged for a cursory inspection).
Best friends from primary school, high school, my early years of University have or are slowly sinking in an ether of forgotten. In almost exactly the same way I've forgotten all the Backstreet Boy song lyrics; fun at the time, but now tinged with a little nostalgia, but after a while, tiresome.
This should all have either some sense of remorse, purpose to become better, or something emotionally constructive to end with. But I'm not sure I know what that is. Apart from being sincere in my interactions with people (even when these are powered purely by politeness), I don't know that I care that I lose the space I reserve for people who once were important. The great ones stick of their own accord. The others, well, there's facebook for that, no?
4 comments:
Sometimes I honestly believe that my problem is that I've been "too educated". I often wonder, had I not stepped out into the world, into a foreign space, would I have been happier and more content here because I wouldn't have known any better. But the problem is I do know better. I know that this isn't the way people live and that there is a better work life waiting for me somewhere.
And as long as I "know better", I live in a prison of "should-be's". It becomes increasingly difficult to accept certain things the way they are, knowing there is a better way.
And you think you complain too much...
Honestly, I've tried to live past this... tried to accept it for what it is and make the most of it, and all I have is this fucking Dingy that's going no where.
I don't want to be another Corporate Drone. Y'know that invigorating feeling when you're on the threshold of something grander and more awesome than yourself... I'm sure you felt it at the Imagine Cup... that feeling of being a Catalyst, a Facilitator, a Driver - active participation in something that makes a difference. Lord, I miss that feeling. I called it "Living"... this "existing" thing is so not for me.
Don't even know if you'll understand my ramblings at this point. What I feel is so much more than I can put into words.
I know (some of) what you mean; intellect that builds constructs which gives you the ability to discriminate between this and that, your thinking and theirs, possibility and what's there actually, can be paralysing.
It's the lost joy of cheap coffee you always had, before you discovered Arabica roast which you can't afford.
I visited Google in NYC, and it made me depressed. Engineers with MBA's who spent their entire day in offices, like I do, thinking through problems, like I do, improving the world, like I want to do, but can't.
Le tragic sigh, the both of us.
Yeah tres sigh. The worst is when you know that you can make better business decisions than the people who run the company aka unorganised, unstructured, illogical morons who Fail epically at every turn - yet they're sitting on top and you're looking up at an anus.
I will be using my time this Ramadan wisely... for all the poor sods drenched in potential (that's us and our kind) ;)
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